on bullshit...

I read something online today about letting go and trusting that good things will, one day, come my way. It resonated because I have a hard time with that. I want to believe that amazing things are in my future. But I dont always believe that I will live life as richly and profoundly as I have once have. My life has never been perfect, in fact it's been full of glorious highs and devastating lows. While I don't miss the lows, those highs, oh, they were so sweet. Does one have to be present to will the other into existence? I have known what it is like to feel intoxicated by the smell of a street in Russia, by the look of a new lover across a crowded bar, or by the sound of children tap dancing shirtless in New Orleans in July. As I type these words, the hairs stand up on my arms, because I remember feeling so vividly alive, in those moments. Life has changed dramatically in 2 years. I am still lucky, but in a different way. In a calmer, gentler way...which doesn't involve my life's previous highs nor does it contain those lows. I have blogged about it previously (in another life) wondering if it was possible that the universe had positioned me in a 'leveling out' phase of life because I have had too much awesome, too much luck, too much grace for my mere 38 years on this planet. Bullshit. 

***
I spend alot of time alone. I don't mind being alone, it's a nice change. I am learning to appreciate my own company. I think it's an acquired taste for most of us. Until recently, I didn't know much about my recent self. Now I do. I have changed alot in some ways, but remain rooted in my past, in fundamental ways. But it's easy, alone at 3am, to get caught up in your own ethos. It's human nature to believe your own bullshit and not question beliefs, plans and values. I do it frequently, until life offers me chance encounters whereing I get talk or correspond with someone truly amazing. And it always makes me question everything I have ever believed. I usually land in about the same place, but for a short period, a single individual's words, or gaze, or laugh...occupies everything in the world. I draw them in and draw myself out, for a brief period, sometimes minutes, sometimes days, sometimes months...but I always find my way back again only slightly different, in subtle ways. I would like to believe that a dozen or so people have fundamentally altered my perception about myself and the world and I would thank them for that, if I could. Only I wont, because it would be awkward and strange. Bullshit. 

***

As I walk through town on a cold Thursday, as I wander across the street for a hot cup of coffee, as I stroll through the market on Saturday, will my eyes rest on someone amazing? How many amazing people do I already know? Am I seeing them as they wish to be seen? Can that ever change? Will we reach for the same bunch of bananas and feel electricity in the air? Will I read a tweet over coffee that will stay with me for days? Will I catch a sideways glance at the gas station as we are both waiting to pay and buy milk? Will I stop believing my own bulllshit and actually stand open, ready to meet amazing people and allow life to once again have those intoxicating highs which I long for? Are those highs really productive or just childish fantasies that I have created in my mind? Will I stop analyzing past present and future people with a view figuring it all out? Will I admit that I am a creature of my own bullshit, no more, no less and am beautiful and flawed and capable of so much more life, if I just stop bullshitting myself? Bullshit? Hard to tell.