I am pulled forward by invisible rubber bands that will me out of bed every morning at 7am and whisper sweet platitudes about work and life and love to my sleepy ears. Today will be a day that you will make a difference. Today will be amazing. The world is waiting.
Except it isn't really and while no two days are the same, most days look alike on a base level. I work. I play. I sleep. I eat. I love, sometimes and I lust, alot. This is the mouvement of any given day. Certain things change, most don't. Life seems static.
That is not to say that days are altogether unpleasant, or even lacking in any je ne sais quoi. I am grateful for the many people who fill up my life. I even have potentially amazing adventures at my fingertips, but somehow the days, as of late, are moving forward and I sometimes simply feel that I am along for the ride.
When I was little our next door neighbours seemed impossibly glamorous to me. Sandy was a beer rep who was fit and handsome and seemed to have a constant stream of friends coming in and out of his house. His laugh was contagious and he had the best moustache I had ever seen. His wife Dana was a young beautiful stay at home Mom who loved cooking, sunbathing and entertaining. I watched her sunbath in a string bikini on her back deck and could not wait to grow up and have my own back deck and string bikini. Their lives seemed so rich with laughter and music and their house seemed vibrant and exotic... until one day it didn't. Because all along Sam had a drug problem and Dana had been sleeping with his best friend. Illusions of domestic bliss shattered. It took me a long time to recover from their fall from grace.
Dana opened up her own restaurant and quickly developed wrinkles and grey hair and now seems to smile all the time. Sandy got fat and married another woman soon after. He is no longer a beer rep. I think he sells insurance. Their children, once impossibly young, now have children of their own. They dont ever remember their parents being together, but I do. I somehow like them more knowing about their fall and bearing witness to all of it. There can be heartbreak and beauty in the breakdown. But there can also be grace in the reconstruction of two lives.
It was the first time I witnessed something burn to the ground. It was the first time I realized that not all is what it seems.
Just a little over two years ago, when I was at my old house, packing the last of my things frantically over a weekend while my ex partner was out of town with our very young son, a neighbour showed up unsolicited with a box of packing paper, tape and scissors. She smiled knowingly and told me she had been watching from afar and that it brought back memories of how her first marriage ended. I stood slackjawed and emotionally overwrought because I had no idea that she had ever experienced heartbreak before her seemingly perfect marriage to my other neighbour. A window opened up between us and from that point on, the life at her house has captivated me just a little bit more. To imagine her, once a single mom...like myself, makes me stop and ponder. She also told me that her current husband was not her son's biological father.
I wonder today what someone would say as they bear witness to the mouvement of my own life. The overly busy schedule. The Jeep that is rarely parked under the carport for more than a few days. The garbage that I always take out too late. The overgrown front yard that is often strewn with sticks, footballs and skipping ropes. The colorful cast of characters that visit on a regular basis and smoke out on my front walkway. What stories to they make up about the single Mom who moved into their quiet courtyard. Would I recognize myself in their narrative?
The ride feels static on some days....but as a whole, nothing could be more dynamic.
